I've been getting a lot of demands, trying to reach goals that I can't seem to reach, trying to finish one project but getting told I'm not doing something correct, taking on more tasks when I already got enough on my back. I'm not managing it all well but I keep trying to push myself so I can please people. I'm a very stubborn person, I'm sure everyone that's currently in my life knows that. I just want people to believe I'm reliable and can do the job, I hate letting people down. I think I'm finally reached a place where it's not safe. Work has been down on me, I haven't been making production that I should be hitting and I'm afraid to lose that job real soon because of it. It's not like I'm not trying either, I've worked through my lunch at times knowing that I won't get paid for it and still haven't reached that production level I'm suppose to hit. A person at work that started just a week before me has been hired on because her production has way surpasses mine has just made me feel real stupid. The thing that gets me is that the job is not difficult whatsoever so it pains me more to not be able to do something that should come so familiar to me with the experience I have.
Trying to get things up and ready to go with my social media sites for the Asian Festival is killing me too. I know I've been doing a half ass job and not really posting the quality that I would like. This blog is something that is a small stress reliever to me, but the time that I have writing this, is also waiting for this video to encode to a file so I would be able to edit it later then post it on YouTube since my partner in this is not so computer literate as I am, apparently...
With this stress I've started to break out in hives, I really don't think it's allergy related because I've been taking tons of Benedryl with no results of relief. It's really adding more to my stress because my skin is filled with red bumps and very dry patches around my face and other places making it very uncomfortable to even move and making me feel very self-conscious that people are looking at my flaws. After work I would sometimes load up on Benedryl and Melatonin to knock me out so I wouldn't have the urge to scratch my horrible looking body. Constantly keeping a bottle of moisturizer in my pocket all day to keep my face looking somewhat decent is what I really shouldn't be doing. i should actually be going to the doctor to get some kind of penicillin-based shot but can't because I have no insurance and with me being close to the edge at work it's making it harder to get that really needed insurance.
My weight has risen these past couple years but recently I just feel like it's working overtime. Food is one of those things that a lot of people have problems with but it's always there for you and comforting you. I've completely stopped working out because I haven't been motivated enough and once I get off of work and thinking of myself as a failure, the last thing I want to do is something active. Of course people would read this part and think it's some kind of excuse, see it however you like but this is how I feel about this part.
This past weekend I have shown a part of me that I really hate. Being it as a weekend and from all of the hell I've been through stressing about work I thought in my head it would be a good idea to just let loose and have a few drinks with some friends. Turns out of course I would end up being in an argument with someone publicly calling them trash when if I was looking in on that I would consider myself as being "trashy." Also later being angry at this car almost hitting me exiting the parking lot I punch their car and they were yelling back at me threatening me to kick my ass. It's not a great moment for me of course but I do blame it on the build up of stress and I was finally able to let it all out. Funny enough, it really did help me a lot to just go off on someone I felt very "high" and it almost felt good to be-little someone as horrible that may have sound.
The next day I went out again but didn't drink heavily and for some reason I spent most of the night trying to make some sense to a drunk female friend, which now that I think of it I should have just let it go because it seems to be a whole act that night just to get attention of someone else. Just one of those things for I don't understand the female mind at times, I do have a lot of female friends and it's just never cool when you're talking with them, your words don't mean a thing because their mind is already made up, they love to have someone feel sorry for them and be on their side. I just really hate at the end of the day when you really care for a friend, they just leave you feeling stupid and used.
...Well my video has finally encoded so I'll be working on editing and getting those videos up. Please subscribe to celebrAsian's YouTube channel!
