I don’t know where to start today, I’ve been “out-ed” it seems… A friend came back to Iowa to visit, and seeing me again for only a couple minutes she sensed right away that I wasn’t as happy or high-spirited I was the last time we saw each other. No I’m not coming out of “the closet.” I’m not gay. I think I may be just a little depressed. Nothing to have to take medication for, I've just been well... not as happy with how my life has been going. It’s not what I planned for myself, but who really out there has everything they wanted? I wanted to be successful, I wanted to be out of Iowa, I wanted to be on my own and independent.
I’ve come to realize that I’m not good at planning. I planned moving to California last year but never thought of a PLAN B if PLAN A didn’t work and I think that’s where my downfall was. I was so determined and engrossed in the idea of moving that it left me blindsided, I didn’t even think of what I would do if I didn’t have the money by the time I was supposedly ready.
As of how I am today, I am working through a temp agency just trying to get my bills straighten out and literally living paycheck after paycheck. I seem to not be able to save any money with each paycheck and would have problems with buying things I really don’t need. I definitely took a few steps back from where I was. I don’t know where all my determination is, right now I am living comfortably at my parents house and I really can’t do this anymore.
Lately I’ve been watching a lot of Anthony Bourdain’s – No Reservation and also started reading “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert and it got me really thinking that what I need to be doing is travel. I have the security right now of living at my parents’ house so why don’t I just try to save my money from work to do more traveling. I’ve always wanted to explore the world out there, looking at the sites, all the history, art, music, food, and people. I can use this time to go discover new places and, as cliché it sounds… discover myself.
